The last time I spoke to ye, I had told ye of McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. I had told ye of the miraculous nature of this Beard Oil, and of its wonderous abilities—argh. I had begun the story, but me time fell short. Today, me hearties, I will finish me story, and the tale of how I discovered McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. The last time I had regaled ye with me tale of oars. I was in the clinker, for public intoxication. Being sorrowed for me lack of facial hair, I had seen the warden of the clinker by the name of McSweeney. His beard flowing like honey for a jar, I asked him how his hair could grow to such lengths. He had told me that it was all because of an oil, and to visit him, once me time was due. A week later, I was released from my time, and a searched for McSweeney. Alas, I could not find the man, and I was in despair…argh. When I had almost given up hope, a man hailed me from across the
My name be Cumbert Swishysword, terror of the fruit markets and editorial columns. I've sailed the seven creeks and even washed up in a wadi. Today, I’m here to talk to ye about some serious business. Dreadful, serious business. I’m here to talk to ye about beard oil. Is yer beard sagging? Do ye have split ends? Do ye look at my luxurious flowing facial locks and say, “I wish my beard looked like that.”? Then don’t despair, me hearties. I be presenting to ye McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has been a family secret of the proud McSweeneys hearkening back to ages past. Ye be looking at not only the greatest beard oil in the history of mankind, but the only one that will make you ARRRR-gue for more, smell like a fish, and even help kill some sharks. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has helped dozens of men overcome their fear of heights, tight spaces, and whoopie cushions. With a beard of confidence, there is nothing to fear. So have no fear
