My name be Cumbert Swishysword, terror of the fruit markets and editorial columns. I've sailed the seven creeks and even washed up in a wadi. Today, I’m here to talk to ye about some serious business. Dreadful, serious business. I’m here to talk to ye about beard oil. Is yer beard sagging? Do ye have split ends? Do ye look at my luxurious flowing facial locks and say, “I wish my beard looked like that.”? Then don’t despair, me hearties. I be presenting to ye McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has been a family secret of the proud McSweeneys hearkening back to ages past. Ye be looking at not only the greatest beard oil in the history of mankind, but the only one that will make you ARRRR-gue for more, smell like a fish, and even help kill some sharks. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has helped dozens of men overcome their fear of heights, tight spaces, and whoopie cushions. With a beard of confidence, there is nothing to fear. So have no fear
A subsidiary of Leviathan Productions Incorporated.