McSweeney's Beard Oil, For All Yer Beardy Needs

My name be Cumbert Swishysword, terror of the fruit markets and editorial columns. I've sailed the seven creeks and even washed up in a wadi. Today, I’m here to talk to ye about some serious business. Dreadful, serious business. 

I’m here to talk to ye about beard oil.

Is yer beard sagging?

Do ye have split ends?

Do ye look at my luxurious flowing facial locks and say, “I wish my beard looked like that.”?

Then don’t despair, me hearties. I be presenting to ye McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs.

McSweeney’s Beard Oil has been a family secret of the proud McSweeneys hearkening back to ages past. Ye be looking at not only the greatest beard oil in the history of mankind, but the only one that will make you ARRRR-gue for more, smell like a fish, and even help kill some sharks.

McSweeney’s Beard Oil has helped dozens of men overcome their fear of heights, tight spaces, and whoopie cushions. With a beard of confidence, there is nothing to fear.

So have no fear and try McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all your beardy needs, with one of our sample packages.

McSweeney’s Beard Oil uses pirate technology to get your beard glowing and shimmering like a fish out of water. The microbacteria in our secret formula will swab the deck of yer follicles, and hoist the mainsail of yer mustachios.

*Artist representation, NOT actual product.

Aye, you could smell like a fish afterwards, but what else does a lady look for in a man? If you don’t have a dozen women hanging off yer arm within one week’s usage of McSweeney’s Beard Oil, we’ll have yer money back. Argh.

McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs, will have yer beard better than its ever been. But we have more than just Beard Oil.

What say ye? Ye don’t have a beard? Have no fear, McSweeney’s Fast-Growing Beard Vitamin Spray will give yer baby-chin fountains of hair exploding from its pores.

What say ye? Yer a woman? Have no fear, just rub on McSweeney’s Limited Edition Women’s Beard Oil and have a beard flowing just as good as any man’s.

But wait there’s more. If you use McSweeney’s Premium Beard Oil, for all yer premium needs. Then ye’ll find yer beard can fit into any classy, or posh scenario.

Tea parties.

Dinner meetings.

Costume Parties

Heists

Police escapes.

Or even prison.

Aye! With McSweeney’s Premium Beard Oil, for all yer premium needs, ye will be sporting the classiest beard this side of the Mississippi. Maybe even the other side too!

With McSweeney's Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs, ye too will be unstoppable like me. Armed with McSweeney's Beard Oil, I, Cumbert Swishysword, terrorized many a fruit market, and conquered many a cumquat. Argh.

But I wasn't always the strapping, piratical figure you see before ye today. Before I used McSweeney's Beard Oil, I was a sad man. I would look at the wide sea, and shiver in despair. My beard was tiny, and stuck out from my face like a porcupine's needles. Argh. 

Then, a wise man came up to me and told me that the sky was blue because the wavelength of light in the blue spectrum from the sun interacts with the molecules of gas in the atmosphere, causing the blue light to be refracted and radiated across the sky. 

This was less than helpful.

I kept looking for answers to my questions, until I stumbled into a dark alley and ran into a wall. Shortly after, I was arrested for public intoxication. While doing my time in the clinker I saw the warden stride past the cell bars. His beard flowed like a waterfall down a pile of mashed taters; It was like chocolate pudding on a Caesar salad; An avalanche of spaghettis off a mountain; A fondue fountain overturned in a bakery. I was rather hungry at this time.

I shouted to him as he passed, "Ho, thar warden. What a beard ye have on ye face."

The man nodded, and smiled. "Well, it wasn't always like this."

"Argh, really?"

"Once, I was like you. A sad little man, doing my time in the clinker, with needles on my chin."

"But then?" I asked, hearkening on every word.

"Then," he said, leaning close the bars. "I heard a tale."

"A tale?"

"A tale."

"What kind of tale?"

"The tale," he said, "Of an Oil."

"An oil?"

"No, an Oil."

"An Oil ye say?"

"Aye, an Oil. It took me years to find it, but I would give you the location, for a price."

"I would do anything for a beard so fine." I said.

The man looked and me and nodded. "I believe you would, you have the need in your eyes." The man turned to leave. "Once you are released, then I will tell you the location of the Oil for the price I had previously mentioned."

"Wait!" I shouted. "I didn't catch yer name, me hearty." 

The man paused, then glanced over his shoulder. 

"McSweeney." 

Then he was gone.

Unfortunately, I can see that my tale has gone too long as it is. Argh. So, I will be finishing up this next week. So, be thar, or be spar! And remember: McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs.