Manhattan Times News: Letter to the Editor

McSweeney's Beard Oil, For All Yer Beardy Needs: Part Two

The last time I spoke to ye, I had told ye of McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. I had told ye of the miraculous nature of this Beard Oil, and of its wonderous abilities—argh. I had begun the story, but me time fell short. Today, me hearties, I will finish me story, and the tale of how I discovered McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. The last time I had regaled ye with me tale of oars. I was in the clinker, for public intoxication. Being sorrowed for me lack of facial hair, I had seen the warden of the clinker by the name of McSweeney. His beard flowing like honey for a jar, I asked him how his hair could grow to such lengths. He had told me that it was all because of an oil, and to visit him, once me time was due. ...

The Hipster

The following is an excerpt from the volume: Human Naturalism: A Guide to the Strange World of Humanity. THE HIPSTER: A BRIEF OVERVIEW Hipster as Viewed in Natural Habitat The Hipster is a strange creature posing many conundrums for the modern naturalist. One can find a Hipster in its natural habitats (coffee shops, internet cafes, etc.) and have a high chance of spotting one of these in the wild. A Hipster is distinguished from homeless vagrants by its use of outrageously priced electronic devices, and the high caffeine contents in its internal fluids. Many will often wear a plaid outer-garment; a simple short-sleeved shirt, sporting an ironic phrase, or a reference to a group of individuals, who had no musical talent and are now dead; denim trousers; and a wool-knit beanie. It is well-known that many creatures of the human race will fantastic growths of hair on top of their heads. Humans are known for having much dedication to the cultivation ...

McSweeney's Beard Oil, For All Yer Beardy Needs

My name be Cumbert Swishysword, terror of the fruit markets and editorial columns. I've sailed the seven creeks and even washed up in a wadi. Today, I’m here to talk to ye about some serious business. Dreadful, serious business. I’m here to talk to ye about beard oil. Is yer beard sagging? Do ye have split ends? Do ye look at my luxurious flowing facial locks and say, “I wish my beard looked like that.”? Then don’t despair, me hearties. I be presenting to ye McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has been a family secret of the proud McSweeneys hearkening back to ages past. Ye be looking at not only the greatest beard oil in the history of mankind, but the only one that will make you ARRRR-gue for more, smell like a fish, and even help kill some sharks. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has helped dozens of men overcome their fear of heights, tight spaces, and whoopie cushions. With a beard of confidence, there is nothing to fear. So have no fear ...

Tibber Tales

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