Manhattan Times News: Letter to the Editor

A Few Words On The Present Situation

At these times, dear public, I wish to announce my solidarity with you all. We must stand together in these hardships, but standing together six feet apart as per the health and safety regulations. We must forge new unions, as long as those unions are forged via zoom calls, telephone lines, online chat, or any other form of communication that does not involve close, physical contact. It is time to support each other, by staying away. Care for each other's needs, by covering your face so you cannot breathe harmful viruses into the air. And carry each other's burdens, when using adequate anti-bacterial disinfectant after touching said burden. We must UNITE!!! SEPERATELY. In our own homes. Best regards, Tibberius Fibberus a.k.a. Tibber the Fibber

The Hipster

The following is an excerpt from the volume: Human Naturalism: A Guide to the Strange World of Humanity. THE HIPSTER: A BRIEF OVERVIEW Hipster as Viewed in Natural Habitat The Hipster is a strange creature posing many conundrums for the modern naturalist. One can find a Hipster in its natural habitats (coffee shops, internet cafes, etc.) and have a high chance of spotting one of these in the wild. A Hipster is distinguished from homeless vagrants by its use of outrageously priced electronic devices, and the high caffeine contents in its internal fluids. Many will often wear a plaid outer-garment; a simple short-sleeved shirt, sporting an ironic phrase, or a reference to a group of individuals, who had no musical talent and are now dead; denim trousers; and a wool-knit beanie. It is well-known that many creatures of the human race will fantastic growths of hair on top of their heads. Humans are known for having much dedication to the cultivation ...

McSweeney's Beard Oil, For All Yer Beardy Needs

My name be Cumbert Swishysword, terror of the fruit markets and editorial columns. I've sailed the seven creeks and even washed up in a wadi. Today, I’m here to talk to ye about some serious business. Dreadful, serious business. I’m here to talk to ye about beard oil. Is yer beard sagging? Do ye have split ends? Do ye look at my luxurious flowing facial locks and say, “I wish my beard looked like that.”? Then don’t despair, me hearties. I be presenting to ye McSweeney’s Beard Oil, for all yer beardy needs. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has been a family secret of the proud McSweeneys hearkening back to ages past. Ye be looking at not only the greatest beard oil in the history of mankind, but the only one that will make you ARRRR-gue for more, smell like a fish, and even help kill some sharks. McSweeney’s Beard Oil has helped dozens of men overcome their fear of heights, tight spaces, and whoopie cushions. With a beard of confidence, there is nothing to fear. So have no fear ...

Tibber Tales

Search This Blog